Present Out – Part One
When I was in JHS 2, there was a classmate whose name is Kofi. Kofi will be present in school everyday but after putting his back in class, he will vanish and reappear at closing time. When our class teacher would be marking the class register and Kofi’s name is mentioned, all we say is “Present Out”. Kofi will be present in school but absent from class. This was his daily routine and everybody knew him for that. We started calling him “Kofi Present Out.”
There are spouses and partners in relationships who are ‘present’ on paper that ‘out’ in person. On paper, they are present as your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, or your girlfriend but when you need them emotionally, physically, financially, and psychologically, they are absent. Some are even physically present but will not lift a thing to help, and there are those who are only present at night when they want sex, the rest of the time they are out.
They have occupied your life but are nowhere to be found in times of need. They leave you practically lonely and single although they are keyed in as ‘present’ while they are ‘out’ all the time.
If you occupy such an important place in somebody’s life, be present physically, emotionally, psychologically and financially. Show up and help them at home, when they are stressed, be present to offer them your support, be present in good times and in bad times, be present always.
Weak systems and values have created Present Out fathers and mothers, husbands and wives. Do not be like Kofi; be present and available. After several fruitless attempts to get Kofi to change his attitude, he was sacked from the school.
What are some reasons why individuals might be physically present but emotionally “out” in relationships? Let us explore some possible reasons.
Emotional Disconnection: Over time, unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or lack of communication can create an emotional gap between partners. One may physically remain in the relationship but withdraw emotionally, leading to a “Present Out” dynamic.
External Stressors: Stress from work, finances, or family issues can make someone disengage in a relationship. They may be overwhelmed, distracted, or exhausted, making it hard to connect meaningfully with their partner.
Complacency or Routine: As relationships progress, some individuals might fall into complacency, taking their partner for granted. They may stop putting effort into the relationship, becoming passive and uninvolved.
Unhealed Personal Issues: Individuals dealing with personal trauma, mental health challenges, or unresolved past experiences may struggle to be present. They might retreat emotionally as a way of coping with their internal struggles.
Different Priorities: When one partner prioritizes other aspects of their life—such as career, hobbies, or friends—over the relationship, it can create a sense of absence. This can make the other person feel neglected despite the physical presence.
Loss of Intimacy: A decline in emotional or physical intimacy can lead to a sense of detachment. Without efforts to rekindle connection, one or both partners might drift into a “Present Out” state.
