Power Struggle in Marriages. The case of the Engine vs Wheels.

A car can have the best wheels money can buy, but without an engine, it won’t move an inch. On the flip side, it can have a roaring engine under the hood, full of torque and horsepower, but if the wheels are missing, it’s just noise in a garage. Funny thing is, many marriages today are like this: a power-packed engine arguing with a motionless wheel or a strong wheel resenting the engine with both asking, “Who’s more important here?”

Who’s driving this thing?

The engine is power, the wheel is progress. Without each other, both are stuck. In the beginning, love was easy. But somewhere along the way, roles blurred, egos flared, and a dangerous question arose: “Who gets to lead this marriage?” In most homes, one spouse is naturally the “engine”, that is, driven, visionary, energetic, and assertive. The other might be the “wheel” which is stabilizing, discerning, grounding, and directional. Both are powerful in their own way. But when we confuse different strengths with unequal value, we start to fight for control.

Dragging Engine vs Roll-less Wheels

When the “engine” partner insists, “We go where I say!”, they risk burning out the marriage with force and frustration. When the “wheel” partner digs in with, “Not unless I feel safe!”, they risk stalling progress through passive resistance. So instead of moving forward, the relationship jerks, stalls, or crashes, not because either partner is bad, but because they’ve stopped honoring the partnership of movement.

The real question

Marriages don’t suffer because both people are strong. They suffer because the strengths aren’t synchronized. The engine isn’t better than the wheel. The wheel isn’t smarter than the engine. They were designed to work together.One brings power, the other brings direction.Love moves when both trust the need for the other.

The real question Is: “How do we move together?” Forget who’s stronger, ask who is listening. Forget who is right, ask who’s aligned. If you’re the engine-type, ask:

Do I allow space for reflection before I act?

Can I trust the rhythm of our relationship, not just my urgency?

If you’re the wheel-type, ask:

Am I contributing to progress or passively resisting?

Do I recognize my role in steering us forward?

How marriage moves

A marriage that moves is one where no one wins alone. It’s not about dominance. It’s about design.

Each partner brings what the other needs, not in a hierarchy, but in harmony. So next time you argue about who’s more important, who sacrifices more, leads better, earns more, or decides faster,  pause and remember the car. No engine, no go. No wheels, no road. But together? You’re unstoppable.

Questions to ask each other

1. Are we competing or complementing?

2. Where am I pushing too hard?

3. Where am I resisting healthy momentum?

4. What would it look like to sync our strengths, and not compare them?

Challenge

Choose one area (money, decisions, parenting, sex, goals) and explore how you can drive forward together applying the power and direction principle in partnership. The moment you stop fighting for control and start fighting for connection, you begin to move again. And movement, my friends, is life.