“Duicidal”: The hidden behaviours that slowly kill a marriage.

In every marriage that ends in divorce, there were warning signs long before the final blow. But many couples don’t see them. Or worse, they do see them, but minimize their impact. That’s why I created a word to describe this slow, silent decline. I call it duicidal.

What Does “Duicidal” Mean?

Duicidal (adj.): Describes actions, habits, or patterns within a marriage that actively or unknowingly increase the risk of divorce.

It’s not always the big betrayals that destroy a marriage. Sometimes, it’s the little things left unchecked that quietly eat away at the love and trust between two people. Like termites in the woodwork, duicidal patterns may go unnoticed until the structure collapses. Think of it this way: “Suicidal” is when someone’s actions threaten their own life. “Duicidal” is when a couple’s actions threaten the life of their relationship.

Duicidal Patterns: The repeated routines that ruin.

A duicidal pattern is a repeated behavior or relational rhythm that weakens emotional connection over time. These aren’t one-off mistakes. They’re daily, weekly, sometimes even unspoken rituals that quietly say: “I’ve stopped trying.”

Common duicidal patterns include:

• Consistent Stonewalling: When one or both partners shut down emotionally, refusing to engage or resolve conflict, communication dies.
• Chronic Criticism or Blame: Small complaints grow into harsh judgments. Over time, one or both partners feel attacked rather than understood.
• Emotional Neglect: When affection, attention, or affirmation disappears, love starves slowly, even when routines remain.
• Avoiding Hard Conversations: Silence around sensitive topics doesn’t protect the marriage, it poisons it.
• Growing Apart, Not Together: When couples stop dreaming, laughing, or building together, they slowly become strangers.

If these patterns are left unchecked, they form a kind of emotional decay that’s hard to reverse. And worse, these patterns shape mindsets.

The duicidal mindset: when you’ve quietly given up.

While duicidal patterns affect what you do, a duicidal mindset shapes how you think and feel about your marriage. It’s the internal shift when hope dims, effort fades, and you begin to mentally detach, even though you’re still physically present.

You know you’re in a duicidal mindset when:

• You think, “Why bother? It won’t change.”
• You avoid vulnerable conversations because you’ve convinced yourself they’re pointless.
• You feel more emotionally connected to fantasies, memories, or “what-ifs” than to your partner.
• You function more as a co-parent or housemate than a spouse.

The danger of a duicidal mindset is that it doesn’t need drama to exist, it only needs distance.

Why naming it matters.

Many couples live in duicidal patterns for months or even years, thinking, “This is just a phase,” or “Every marriage goes through this.” And while that’s partly true, ignoring these patterns only deepens the damage. By naming it “duicidal”, we give it language. And with language comes awareness. And with awareness comes the chance to choose differently.

Are you in a duicidal pattern or mindset?

Here are a few reflection questions:

• When was the last time we talked about us, not the bills, kids, or schedules, but us?
• Do I feel emotionally safe expressing disappointment or fear in this relationship?
• Am I slowly checking out, even if I still go through the motions?
• What habits have we normalized that are silently damaging our connection?

It’s not too late

Just because something is duicidal doesn’t mean it’s dead. Naming the pattern or the mindset is the first step to interrupting it. With honesty, guidance, and mutual commitment, many couples can recover from years of drift and disconnection. But you have to start. You have to see it. And you have to stop pretending it’s fine.

Remember:
Divorce doesn’t always come with a bang. Sometimes, it comes with silence, avoidance, and a slow loss of heart. That’s what makes a marriage duicidal. But awareness can lead to action. And action can lead to healing.